Title: Fools' Ebony, Part the Sixth
Author: Frincheps
IsNaughty: False
Price: 317
IsUnique: False
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Content:


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[/center]Fools' Ebony,

[/center]Part the

[/center]Sixth



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[/center] Dramatis Personae

 Prologue The Adventurer, A Dark Elf Rascal Komon, A Priest
of Akatosh Lheban, Another Priest of Akatosh Epilogue Stete, A
Priest of Julianos Raic, Another Priest of Julianos Shub, A
Mage Shub, A Different Mage of the Same Name Nephron, A
Somewhat Sleazy Merchant 5 Armorers Ortho Crunn, Husband of
Millie A Lusty Contessa Millie, Innkeep and Philosopher
Gurnsey, Bovine Wench Assorted Wenches and Cads of the
Taverns Soldiers Dwarves Giants



 Daggerfall and Environs in the Doldrums of the 3rd Era

 Scene 1: In The Adventurer's suite at the Dead Daedra Inn.

 Enter Prologue, the Adventurer, and Ortho. Ortho climbs
into bed.

       Prologue: Thank you for allowing us the time to change
the meager set, while our bard sang that old favorite, "Hail
and Farewell." Now then, imagine, if you will, the
luxuriant and langorous suite of that Dark Elven rogue, the
Adventurer, at the Dead Daedra Inn. The time is shortly
after the last scene, which if you've forgotten, ended with
our hero and his partner-in-crime, Nephron, making some
arrangements to swindle from the mages, priests, and
armorers. All are interested in getting their hands on a
lode of Fools' Ebony, a miraculous burning mineral, and the
priests and mages each consider the Adventurer their ally.
The Armorers know better and have assigned one of their
apprentices, Ortho, to watch the Adventurer's movements.
Now, as Ortho slumbers, the Adventurer has his first moment
of peace in days. I should mention that in the interest of
common decency, this scene has been abbreviated from the
original by order of the Guild of Playwrites, Actors, and
Dramatists. It now contains little material of relevance.
A full copy may be obtained from the playwrite after the
show for a mere 50 g.p. copying fee. Now is the time for
poor Prologue to shuffle away.

 (Exit Prologue) (The Adventurer begins to get undressed)
(Tap-tap at the door. Adventurer jumps, startled) (Snore
from Ortho)

       Adventurer: Who's there? I'm coming!

 (Opens door - carefully) (Enter Contessa)

       Adventurer: Er, well ... er ... Come In! Please.

 (The Adventuer steps back, tripping over his trousers
around his ankles ...)

       Contessa So sorry to surprise you, but I thought that we
might find something in common ... Oh! You poor man, you
have a wound!  Here, let me fix that bandage ... it looks
very fresh.

 (Fixing bandage, properly this time)

       Adventurer: Well, I ... just opened it up again.
Evening exercises, calisthenics, so on...

       Contessa: How did you get this cut - if you do not mind me
asking?       

       Adventurer: No, not at all. I was ... in a fight,
earlier. These three crazy people jumped me.

       Contessa: Really?  This cloth looks like part of a Mage's
robe.

       Adventurer: Well, yes, two of them were Mages.

       Contessa: Oh My! You must have been very good, to defeat
them.

       Adventurer: Oh, ah, well, I've been in one or two
fights. Not to be rude, but who are you?

       Contessa: Oh, I am so sorry, I quite forgot the proper
introductions. I am the Contessa Aveet Videspreed -- call me
Ave.  From the Court at Daggerfall.

       Adventurer       (aside) By Oblivion, what now?

       Contessa: Here, help me off with this robe, these inn rooms
are always ... so hot. And let me check that bandage again,
poor man. Ooh, you are wearing an ebony belt of stamina,
and bracers of strength. Ooh, a bracelet of endurance. This
is my lucky night.

       Adventurer       (aside) Help.

       Contessa: Here, let me help you off with that old shirt -
got to check you for any more cuts - they can go bad so
easily, you know.

       Adventurer       (aside) Well, its not the Armorers this
time. Maybe my luck has turned.

       Contessa: Well, everything seems all right...very all
right, in fact...

       Adventurer: Er...well, Ave - tell me about ... er ...
yourself.           Contessa: If you want - just for a bit - 

       Adventurer: Here, have some wine ...

 Enter Prologue

       Prologue: Here our worthy playwrite's speech has been
heavily edited by the Guild of Playwrites, Actors, and
Dramatists. I will endeavor to fill in those removed
passages. I should first mention that the Contessa is not
meant to be a relative of any noble currently in Castle
Daggerfall. The Contessa Aveet regales the Adventurer with
tales of the peculiar and hearty members of her royal
family. She has many brothers and sisters. They are all very
-- close.

       Contessa: I think I must have been a bastard. I was the
only one with red hair, and an affinity for magicka. Everyone
else tried to hide this skill of mine. I remember one spanking
very well ...

       Prologue: The Contessa relates futher differences
between her siblings.

       Contessa: While my sisters were learning to curtsey in
ten different modes, and my brothers were learning
flower-arranging, I used to sneak off into the woods or town.
I soon learnt how to get what I wanted, from just about
anyone. Just for example, there was this merchant who had
three sons ...

       Prologue: The Contessa goes into detail about her
training.

       Contessa: I became quite good at the school of illusion.
You never noticed me, downstairs, did you?. I also learned
how to use some weapons. Let me tell you how I learned
hand-to-hand ...

       Prologue: The Contessa relates an amusing anecdote, and
then continues.

       Contessa: And on bad days, I used to dig in my father's
library. He had a marvelous collection of old texts. I was
fascinated by Old Dwarvish, managed to learn it quite well,
I think. Of course, no one has seen or spoken to one in years
and years. So its probably perfectly useless knowledge.
But I've always had an interest in collecting new
knowledge. At the Mages Guild, they taught me an old High
Elven tradition. You spread this potion all over your body
...

       Prologue: The Contessa relates her current state of
boredom.

       Contessa: The life up at the Palace bores me so. My
sisters ...

       Prologue: The Contessa's sisters are entertaining some
visitors.

       Contessa: And my brothers are now studying Advanced
Floral Theory, so I come down here, do a little ... er ...
business. I keep all my relations supplied with their
favourite vices -- so I can blackmail the whole rotten lot.

       Adventurer: But is'nt it dangerous, down here? Did I not
hear that some young Contessa got killed, recently?

       Contessa: That little twit was my cousin, and as far as
I'm concerned, she got what she deserved. She thought  she could
just borrow a maids dress, muss up her hair, and pass for s
commoner. She was spotted the first minute she left the
Palace gates. Now, I use illusion, craft, guile -- and I
carry weaponry. By the way, that was a neat scheme you and
Neph cooked up.

       Adventurer: Well, lets change the subject, can we? ...
Just what do you carry? I can't see anything ... like a
weapon, I mean ...

       Contessa: Here, let me show you ...

       Adventurer: Oh my, those are nice ... knives...

       Contessa: And there're more ...             Adventurer: Oh yes
...

       Contessa: But we don't need these silly nasty weapons
now, do we?

       Adventurer: My, my -- now those are what I call weapons
... Oh yes ... heavy duty, high class ones too, my ...

       Contessa: I think its time that we put that ebony to the
test ... to say nothing of your Mages Staff ...

       Prologue: At this point, extensive material has been
removed. However, please remember that any scholar who
truly wishes to peruse this material can obtain a copy for
only 50 g.p. - hand-drawn illustrations are of course extra.
The Contessa, after a bit of fun, volunteers to be a part
of the Adventurer's party to find the fools' ebony lode. I
know, I know. It didn't make much sense in the original draft
either, if you want to know the truth.

 (Exit Prologue)

       Adventurer: Sure you want to go out there in the wilds?

       Contessa: Oh, yes. I am so bored here. Well, not right
here and now, but generally. And I can really be of
assistance. I'm pretty good with woods survival, knife
work, hand-to-hand ... and it gets cold out there at night,
even for big ebony-wearing men like you ...

       Adventurer: All right, then. Do you know where and why we
are going?

       Contessa: Oh, of course. It's all over Daggerfall.
Everyone is watching and waiting to see what happens. There is
even a lottery or two running ...

       Adventurer: On what ..?

       Contessa: Oh, your life.

       Adventurer: Oh dear Oh dear! Oh my!

       Contessa: Look, don't worry -- I know all about the
double-dealings with mages, priests, merchants, those crude
armorers. And I intend that we come out on top. I love
being on top. With the goods and the profits. I'll have yet
another vice to sell to my stupid relatives in their boring
palaces.

       Adventurer: But won't it be us two against hordes?

       Contessa: Oh no. Most everyone is waiting here in town to
see what and who comes back. And I will have a surprise
arranged for our 'escorts' - Ortho included. Out in the
wilderness, they can be dealt with easily.

 (Ortho snores)

       Adventurer: Tell me more.

       Contessa: Certainly. But first ... lets see how many
uses you have left in that ebony. Mmm, your Mages' Staff is
in good shape ...

 (Enter Prologue)

       Prologue: Exactly. Sorry to interrupt again, but
we're going to have to stop this scene right here. After a
frenzied night comes the placid dawn, tripping onto the sky
like a budding rose. And then another day doth dawn, and then
another. Ten dawns and ten frenzied nights pass as our wily
Adventurer, the wanton Contessa, the clever and naughty
Nephron, the loutish Ortho, and an assemblage of randy
armorers and backsliding maidens take to the road. Imagine
now that we are in the wildy wilderness of High Rock near the
Wrothgarian Mountains.

 Scene 2

 (Enter Nephron and assorted lads and lasses) (Exit
Prologue)

       Contessa: I do so love a bucolic frolic.

       Adventurer: It's getting pretty wild now. I guess the
dangerous part is coming up tomorrow...?

       Contessa: Yes, one last stop tonight, at that old inn up
here -- Minnie's Inn.

       Adventurer: Minnie's Inn? Oh, those two old scholars who
gave it all up, came to run the inn out here. they must get
all of two customers a year.

       Contessa: I think they like the solitude. It gives them
time to study. They know a lot about old Dwarvish stuff -- get
them started on that, they will wear you ears out.

       Adventurer: Er ... when does your surprise happen? I
should probably know.

       Contessa: Don't fret, dear. At the Inn tonight. Just sit
back and enjoy the show.

 (Enter Prologue)

 Prologue: Time passes, the carts roll, things happen in the
backs of the carts. And there are strange furtive movements
unnoticed by all, on the high ridges around. When next we see
our players, they are at Minnie's Inn, home of Minnie and
Crunn, the philosopher- innkeeps. Imagine, if you will, the
rather dusty dining room of Minnie's Inn.

 (Enter Minnie, Crunn, and Gurnsey) (Exit Prologue) (Gurnsey
goes to Orthos' table with more ale for him. She sits down
suddenly. She stares into Orthos'  eyes, Ortho stares into
hers. Mouths drop open.)

       Minnie: ... er ... Crunn ...

       Crunn: ... yes ... Minnie ...

       Minnie: ... I was thinking ...

       Crunn: ... yes, you were thinking, Minnie ...

       Minnie: ... er .... thinking ...

       Crunn: ... yes ...so was I ....

       Minnie: ... can't remember now ...

       Crunn: ... yes, Minnie ... Minnie ...

       Minnie: ... Yes ..?

       Crunn: ... Shut up ...

       Gurnsey and Ortho       (Together): Moo ... oooh ... moo.

       Adventurer: Moo?

       Contessa: See, Adventurer, Ortho's fixed.

       Adventurer: Is he?

       Contessa: You just watch.

       Adventurer: And what about the other armorers?

       Contessa: Any minute now.

 (Ortho and serving girl arise, approach Adventurers'
table. The floor shakes.)

       Ortho: This Gurnsey. Ortho love Gurnsey, oooh.

       Gurnsey: Gurnsey love Ortho ... moo ...

       Ortho: We go get marry, we is.

       Adventurer: Well, congratulations! And that was a fine
long speech, Ortho!

       Ortho: We go raise piggies.

       Gurnsey: Grows animals too, farmers be we.

 (Exit Ortho and Gurnsey)

       Adventurer: Extraordinary. Ave, I think that you must
have been up here before.

       Contessa: Oh yes. I often come up here to get away from
the Palace and talk dwarves with Minnie and Crunn.         
Adventurer: You mean that these two ancient ... er, Scholar-I
nnKeeps can actually talk and about dwarves?

 (All but Adventurer, Contessa, Minnie, and Crunn fall
asleep in their meat pies.)

       Contessa: Oh yes, you must just be very patient. But look
over at our other escorts ...

       Adventurer: By the Lady!

       Contessa: Minnie was an Alchemist before she met Crunn,
and knows a lot of old forgotten Dwarvish potions.        
Adventurer: But what do we do with the bodies?        

       Contessa: Wait ...

 (Enter Major)

       Contessa: Adventurer, meet Major Bloodnok, head of my
own ...private little bodyguard. He's been with me since I
was a mere girl. Served me very well, haven't you, Major?

       Major: We give our all, milady.

nKeeps can actually talk and about dwarves?

 (All but Adventurer, Contessa, Minnie, and Crunn fall
asleep in their meat pies.)

       Contessa: Oh yes, you must just be very patient. But look
over at our other escorts ...

       Adventurer: By the Lady!

       Contessa: Minnie was an Alchemist before she met Crunn,
and knows a lot of old forgotten Dwarvish potions.        
Adventurer: But what do we do with the bodies?        

       Contessa: Wait ...

 (Enter Major)

       Contessa: Adventurer, meet Major Bloodnok, head of my
own ...private little bodyguard. He's been with me since I
was a mere girl. Served me very well, haven't you, Major?

       Major: We give our all, milady.

       Adventurer: Pleased to meet you, Major.

       Contessa: How are my other men?

       Adventurer:       (aside) Other men?

 (Enter Other Men in Khajiit suits)         Major: All present
and accounted for, milady. Had a spot of bother with what
looked like a party of Merchants following you. But they are
out of the picture now, down a ravine. Only one thing.

       Contessa: Yes?

       Major: Me and my men, we've been noticing sort of
furtive movements, up on cliffs, on ridges -- always just
out of the corners of our eyes. And we keep getting this
feeling of being watched. Now, me and my men, we're the best
but there's something out there. Don't like it, not one bit.

       Contessa: Oh Dear - and just when it was getting to be fun.

       Major: Its not anything human. Not Mages, Armorers,
Priests. And its not the usual werewolves, harpies, orcs,
daedra. Nothing like that, not at all.

       Minnie: Dwarves!

       Crunn: Where? ... oh ... Minnie ... you mean ... up ...
there ... here ...

       Minnie: ... Dwarves, up there ...

       Crunn: ... How exciting ... mmmm ...

       Minnie: ... There, there, Crunn, calm down ... just
dwarves ... I knew that one day they would ...

       Crunn: ... Wake up ..?

       Minnie: ... Come back ...

       Crunn: ... But ... I didn't go anywhere ...

       Minnie: ... The dwarves, Crunn ...

       Crunn: ... Oooh ... Back ... So excited ... Dwarves! ...
oooh ...

       Contessa: Well Major, is it possible?

       Major: Anything's possible, especially up here.
Dwarves? I don't know. Me and my men, we'll get rid of this
lot. There's a good deep mine shaft out back.

 (Exit All, but the Adventurer and Contessa)

       Adventurer: Dwarves, Ave! Is that trouble? I mean, they
sort of own all the ebony down here, don't they?

       Contessa: Maybe. I guess we just have to push on, see what
develops. I can try to talk to them, maybe? Oh, and
Adventurer, you'll have to drive the first cart. I'll take
old Nephron's. We'll leave the other here -- Spares for
later.

       Adventurer: What, no more bucolic frolics?

       Contessa: Sorry, but we've got to get to the site and
out again before the weather goes bad.

       Adventurer: Can't your Major and his men, handle the
carts?

       Contessa: Oh, no. They will cover us from all sides and make certain there are no surprises.

       Adventurer: Oh well. All good things end, I guess.

       Contessa: Not quite. If you have any charges left in
your bracelets of endurance, we can go upstairs and see what
develops.

 (Enter Prologue)

       Prologue: Well, I guess we all saw that coming. Scene 3
takes place some time later at the site. Flanked by the
Major's men, the Adventurer and the Wanton Contessa
successfully follow the map of the dear, departed mages.
Imagine great veins of glistening ebonyesque material
piercing the surface of the ground, and a nice warm fire of
Fools Ebony where the Adventurer and the Contessa sprawl.
To the west are signs that the weather is turning and the first
major snowstorm of the year is coming. For some time, they
have been mining and the Adventurer is beginning to feel the
strain of actual labor.

 (Exit Prologue)

 Scene 3

       Adventurer: I've got blisters on my hands from
shovelling that black rot, blisters on my rear from that cart
bench, and we are running out of ale. My bracelet is running
down and my fingers are getting frostbite.

       Contessa: What, your bracelet is running down? Oh, now
that is serious.

 (Enter Major, running)

       Major: Dwarves! Milady, dwarves, dozens of the little
buggers caught my men! I'm sorry, milady.

 (The Contessa jumps to her feet)

       Contessa: Major, get out of here now. If you get away,
you can maybe help us later. I'll try to talk to them.

 (Exit Major) (Enter Dwarves)

       Contessa: Hhjgys jjvvu klpss Jjqqx zzyzx.

       Dwarves       (Together): Jjpoo Kalagloo gashnoo bibloo
franoo Xxnadoo

       Contessa Jnik? Balpo?

       Dwarves       (Together) Gabloo! Wazzikoo! Eppapupu!

       Contessa Glooky, glooky, glooky.

       Adventurer: Ave, whats going on?

       Contessa: Relax. I think I've impressed them by talking
their language. I don't understand everything, but it seems
that they have only just 'woken up' or something. And that
they will not let us take any of this Fool's Ebony -- it's
somehow related to the real stuff or something. And it
really belongs to the Lords of Oblivion -- the Dwarves are
just care or something.

       Adventurer: Very interesting. Now, what about us?

       Contessa: I made a deal with them the only way I could
see. I told them about Minnie and Crunn, how those two old
ones know lots of dwarven tales and legends. The dwarves
tells me that, having just 'woken up' or something, they want
three things -- ale, women, and us to leave the Fools' Ebony
alone.

       Adventurer: Ah, flog my log.

       Contessa: Well,I told them about all the ale down at
Minnie's Inn. And about the 2 redheads there. They are going
there, leaving right now. We may take one empty cart, 2
horses. And they will keep us guarded all the way there. They
also said that they will -- I don't know how -- destroy all the
Fool's Ebony here. It shouldn't be on the surface like this,
they say.       (aside) Dwarvish is a remarkably compact
language.

       Adventurer: By the great roaring buttocks of
Sheogorath! All these blisters and backache for nothing! Ah
well. At least we are still alive. For now ...

 (Exeunt) (Enter Prologue)

 Prologue: Farnoo Lickety Kanoo Gadfloo. Oh, I'm terribly
sorry. As Scene 4 begins, we are back at Minnie's Inn, where
the dwarves appear to be on holiday.

 (Enter the Adventurer, the Wanton Contessa, Minnie, Crunn,
and Dwarves)

 (Exit Prologue)

 Scene 4

       Minnie: ... ga ... sszx ... spnoo? ...

       Crunn: ... glurky ...

       Dwarves       (Together): Jotcha potchka lazzo lanni joopy
hoopy qui me amat, amat et canem meam

       Adventurer: Ave, any ideas? I can't seem to work my
magical items. And when the ale runs out ...

       Contessa: Your ebony material is useless against them.
Dwarves fashion the ebony, so I guess they can suppress it or
something. Don't worry - just think, these dwarves have been
asleep or something for hundreds of years. And Minnie has a
huge stock of ale. Not many customers  come this way, and she
knows how to salt the ale just right to keep from spoiling
for decades.

 Adventurer Oh, that's why my tongue always looks like a chunk
of leather after a pint or two.

       Contessa Dwarves apparently love ale. I expect them
all to pass out in an hour or so. 

 (Dwarves fall into comas)

       Contessa: If not sooner. Come on, Adventurer. Grab a
sack and start collecting! When the dwarves wake up,
they'll finish the ale, and then us. 

 (The Wanton Contessa and Adventurer pillage the dwarves)

       Adventurer: South, as fast as our horses will take us in
this weather.

       Contessa: If we make enough distance before they wake up,
we'll be all right - I don't think that they will leave their
precious mountains. I hope not.

 (Enter Prologue)

       Prologue: The wailing wintery wind whirls wickedly,
wafts whipping, wading waist-high, oh never mind. The
Adventurer and the Contessa get lost in the snow storm.
Several days later, we find them desperate for warmth and
exhausted.

 (Exit Prologue)

       Adventurer: The horses have had it. They can't go another
step and its going to snow again. No ale left, and just one
loaf.           Contessa: It will have to do.

 (Suddenly, a party of giants leaps on our hero and
heroine. But after some quick work with Bracers of Firestorm,
really dead giants lie around in heaps)

       Adventurer: Anything left, Ave?

       Contessa: No, no more fire anything - just my daggers

       Adventurer: Same here, just a common shortsword. Curse
Sheogorath for those dwarves!  Those oafs chewed up our
horses! Do you think the Major made it out?               
Contessa: If anyone can, it's him.  Guess we'll find out in
town. Interesting thought just occured to me. Don't giants
hunt in several groups? Is that more I hear?

 (sound of grumbling and gargling offstage)

       Adventurer: Yes, there are more giants out there. Quick,
Ave. Help me with this one.

 (The Adventurer starts to disembowel a giant's body)

       Contessa: What on Tamriel are you doing? This is not the
time for studying anatomy!

       Adventurer: Don't argue, climb inside!

       Contessa: Poppydash and Baldercock! Inside that smelly
dead giant? My dear Adventurer, I'm a Lady.

       Adventurer: It's our only hope! The giant smell will
hide our scent, and live giants never touch dead ones.
Quick!

 (The Adventurer and the Contessa climb inside the steaming
giant's body)

       Adventurer: Here, help me pull the skin shut - and try not
to throw up. Don't make a sound.

 (Enter Prologue)

       Prologue: A few hour pass.

 (Exit Prologue) (The Adventurer and the Wanton Contessa
poke their heads out of the giant's belly.) 

       Adventurer: They've all left, but it's snowing hard.
Definitely getting real cold. We better stay here.

       Contessa: It indeed is warm.

       Adventurer: It will keep us warm, safe from the storm
and giants, for a day or soif we can stand the smell. Here,
want some bread?

 (The Contessa falls victim to nausea)

 (Enter Prologue)

       Prologue: For this, the last scene of the play, please
forgive us, but we need to change the set. Remove the "giant
corpses" and whatnot. Please be patient while our bard
performs the timeless classic "Whither Goest Thou?"

 (Bard plays "Whither Goest Thou?" If the scenarists take too
long, he also plays "For Further Consideration.")

 Prologue: Ah, here we are, back at the Dead Daedra Inn. The
Contessa and the Adventurer made it, after all. They had to
pay three times the normal rate, for they were very dirty and
stinky. Now poor Prologue will bid you farewell, goodly
people.

 Scene 6

       Contessa: Thank the Gods for hot water and soap! I
thought I would smell like a giant forever.

       Adventurer: Me too. Where did you go while I was
bathing? And why no mages, priests, armorers, or merchants
outside yelling for our blood?

       Contessa: I took a quick trip to the Palace. I've fixed it
so some cousins have told the armorers and merchants that we
don't have cartloads of the Fools' Ebony.

       Adventurer: Pity that that's actually true.

       Contessa: But at least no one's interested in us
anymore. Seems that some priests turned up dead in an old 
temple, up on Edward's Mountain. They were found with some
girl, all dead from 'bad green powder' or something. And
some old mages named Shub have gone missing ...

       Adventurer: Now then, what did you stuff in those sacks
thats so important?

       Contessa: Here, dump them out, take a look.

       Adventurer: By the Gods, just look at that!

       Contessa: Yes, those dwarves were just loaded with
ebony. Look. Rings, torcs, bracers, belts, helms All solid
old ebony.

       Adventurer: And this stuff feels just loaded with
magicka. Why, I bet that this ring alone has a thousand uses
... whatever it does.

       Contessa: Ooh! Look! Bracers of Extreme Endurance and a
Belt of Strength! Put them on, Adventurer, let's
celebrate!

       Adventurer       (aside) Help!

 Enter Epilogue

       Epilogue: As I feared, all the loose threads of the play
were ended by wholesale slaughter. More of the adventures of
the Adventurer will follow, unless, of course, they don't.
We thank you for your tempered patience. Don't forget to tip
your worthy wenches on your way out this evening, and enjoy
our bard's rendition of the Khajiiti classic, "It's A Matter
of Luck." Goodnight.

 (Flourish)

 (Exeunt Omnes)



























































































 
